But did anyone else freak the f*ck out there for a minute when it seemed like ABC might have the audacity to detract from our Bachelor Nation time AT RANDOM INTERVALS for something as trivial as the 2016 presidential race? Way to make me super tense and anxious for two full hours, ABC.
Luckily there were no ridiculous “interruptions” and we were able to proceed uninhibited through the sights, sounds, and general cluster that was The Bachelor Takes Mexico City. Or, let’s see how many contestants can grossly butcher the pronunciation of VIVA LA MEXICO within a two-hour timeframe. Tonight’s episode was basically about Jubilee reenlisting in the army, a bunch of saddos getting food poisoning, and Mexico City ‘Fashion Week’ actually attracting some attention for the first time since they introduced the sombrero. Ole!
Ben: “Mexico City is a really good place to fall in love. Nothing says romance like near-certain explosive diarrhea and the ten to one odds of getting kidnapped by a drug cartel and held for ransom.”
What is it with this group of women and their obsession with upscale bathroom fixtures? In Vegas we had full-blown hysteria after the women discovered the DOUBLE SINK, and now Olivia is like waxing poetic about the bidet situation. Of course Olivia needs to be the one commenting on a device whose sole purpose is to clean people’s patooties.
DATE WITH AMANDA
Ben (read: the production intern) is talking about Amanda’s eggs on the date card because #fatherhood.
Oh, hooray, it’s time for the classic wake-the-women-up-while-they’re-sleeping gag. Ben is here to see these girls in their ‘element’ i.e. which ones still look remotely human without a crap ton of makeup and hairstyling. Olivia, hide.
For some reason a lot of the women are discovered in compromising positions with the other women—ABC you sprung for a bathroom with a BIDET but you couldn’t cough up the cash for separate beds?! Okay sorry but there’s no way JoJo isn’t wearing a bra here. Also LOLZ we’re supposed to believe Emily sleeps with a teddy bear, maybe there was some confusion here between sleeping with a teddy bear and sleeping IN a teddy.
Ben: “Whose weave is this?” –Things no Bachelor has ever said before and a sign that it’s almost time for Jubilee to go home.
OH my gosh, Lauren H., dat retainer tho. That’s not a retainer that’s a science experiment. First off, gross, but also why does her retainer look like the first one ever to be invented? It’s 2016, Invisalign that shit if you must. Ben: “Hehe, it’s okay, I wear retainers, too.” **frantically tries to scribble out Lauren H.’s name on next one on one date card**
Obviously Amanda is the only one who’s fully made up with perfectly done eyeliner, although apparently she was so pressed for time getting out of bed that she forgot the top half of her shirt. Ben is giving Amanda the ‘ultimate Mexico City experience’ today, so… they’re going to farm weed? Oh no JK they’re going on a hot air balloon ride. That’s sooo Mexico City, you guys.
Ben pronouncing the ancient city of ‘Teotihuacan’ must have been a really proud moment for Hooked on Phonics.
Ben: “Amanda, you’re so selfless.” Huh? Yes, Amanda is so selfless that she abandoned her two infant daughters for a shot on a reality dating show.
The hot air balloon ride over ancient Mexican ruins is a study in lots of forehead-kissing, lackluster chemistry, and Amanda’s baby voice—GAHH if I was stuck with that voice in an enclosed tiny space up in the sky for hours on end, I really think I would just jump. Maybe she’s been spending time with those infant daughters after all, she sure sounds enough like one.
**Meanwhile flashback to the hotel where Olivia and Lauren H. seem to be spending the entire day talking crap about Amanda. I love how Lauren H. is the authority on what it’s like to be a mom because she teaches kindergarten, may I remind you this is the woman who made out with a puppet last week.**
For the evening portion of the date Amanda is obviously trying to cushion the emotional baggage she’s about to lay on Ben with unquestionably the skankiest dress I’ve seen on any of the women so far.
Ben: “There’s a lot I want to know about Amanda tonight, like how does someone with an alleged career in beauty care have such a bad rooting job?”
Amanda’s story is that she married her husband when their oldest was six months, and then eventually got divorced because he was too ‘controlling’, the extent of which sounds like he didn’t want to join in her Sunday Fundays.
Ben is doing some serious #adulting on this date, like telling Amanda he wants to wrap her and her daughters up in a giant hug and thanking her for coming to “hang out” on the show—yes that’s probably exactly the sort of commitment level this woman is looking for, friend-zone physical contact and the equivalent of Netflix and chill. Jesus. This guy is ready to be a father figure like I’m ready to try on Lauren H.’s retainer for an evening.
Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia get picked for the next date. The card reads Como se desai—this way into a man’s
Of course Ben uses a group date as an excuse to bring the women into a classroom—I feel like he knows the women on this season are dumb as rocks so he keeps trying to put them back into school. The girls are soo pissed to be in a classroom again, Emily is like “I’ve been forced to get more of an education on this show than in all six years I spent at Las Vegas High School.”
This Spanish teacher is weirdly intense and taking this ‘lesson’ very seriously, little does he know he’s trying to teach a foreign language to a group of women who probably have the combined IQ of a corgi pup.
Ben to Spanish teacher: “How do you say ‘fellatio’ in Espanol, Senor?”
And of course Olivia “knows” Spanish already—“MEEE YAMOOO OLIVIA. MEEE AMO BIDETS IN BANYOS.” Olivia there is zero electricitayyy OR electricity between you and Ben, are you delusional he literally repeated the exact same words to every single girl.
To my point:
Ben: “Te amo.”
Jubilee: “You said that to the last few girls.”
Uh-oh. Shade. Thrown. The dissolution of Ben and Jubilee’s ‘connection’ starts right here, ya’ll.
Jennifer: “What Jubilee did was so unromantic” –Yes because Ben robotically repeating sweet sweet Spanish nothings to every single woman in a classroom setting is a super organic and romantic setup to begin with.
After everyone but Caila—whose Spanish accent is on fleek, I will say—fail Rosetta Stone Spanish for Specials, they’re apparently going to be set loose on the poor innocents of Mexico City to try and bumblef*ck their way through a grocery shopping list. I’m stoked.
Nico and Lula, sibling restaurateurs and unfortunate victims of the Bachelor production crew, introducing the date’s challenge to the women: “You like Mexican food?”
Emily: “Idk. Is butter a carb?”
The women all break up into teams to ‘cook’ authentic Mexican dishes, and there’s a super duper awkward sequence where Nico decides to stir the proverbial pot—LOL get it because he’s a chef—and refuses to let Jubilee and Olivia both partner with Ben, so Olivia is like “I called him first” and Jubes is ousted. She is steaming mad (OK sorry done with the food puns) and proceeds to alternate between sulking and being incredibly aggressive with her new partner Lauren B. for the remainder of the date.
**Lauren B. stirring the sauce**
Jubilee: I said COUNTERclockwise, bitch **whips out artillery fire**
Oh boy, these women attempting to go grocery shopping and speak Spanish sounds like a recipe for food poisoning. Good thing they’re only looking for super basic, easy-to-order things like ‘seasonal white fish’ and ‘ancho chile paste’ WTF.
Olivia is clearly using her coup as an opportunity to have a mini one on one with Ben, taking advantage of their time together to do super adorable, romantic things like shoving crickets into his mouth without his permission. According to Emily she probably brushes her teeth with those things every morning.
Love that Becca and JoJo are just like eff it and decide to go blackout instead of grocery shopping because #feminism. No one puts Becca in the kitchen.
Ben: “I want to see how the women adapt to cooking.” –Hmm, it turns out not so well, since they all morph into anal drunken bitches (except for Jubes who is pouting through a goblet of iced water), I see a lot of takeout menus in Ben’s future if he marries any of these women.
Ben: “I’m not the Bachelor I’m the Spatuler.”
After some really tense kitchen moments where it seems like all the women have gone on the rag simultaneously, Nico and Lula “assess” the culinary masterpieces they’ve whipped up in record time and I’m sure with zero side assistance. Oh these poor, poor Mexican restaurateurs trying to be diplomatic and positive about the pig slop these women have produced. This is just like MasterChef except nothing seems to taste even remotely good and everything looks disgusting.
Lula: “When a girl knows how to cook she’s ready to get married. You should probably all play the field a little bit longer.”
Hilars that JoJo and Becca somehow got away with making like easy bake oven tacos and other teams got saddled with ceviche and stuffed peppers. Jubilee and Lauren B.’s fish is the winner since it’s the only dish resembling something edible, but even this win is not enough to pick up Jubilee’s spirits. No jubilation for Jubilee.
During the evening portion of the date, Lauren B. apparently confuses Mexico City with a Hamptons White Party, but Ben doesn’t seem to mind–he’s acting excited to be alone with her but is also sort of aggressively stroking her like he wants to choke her/ break her collarbones so I’m a little confused. WOW how long is their alone time it seems like they’ve literally been away from the group forever, of course spliced with cuts to Jubilee who has been getting more and more upset as the night has progressed without an iota of attention from Ben.
Finally Ben asks Jubilee to come with him and she is soo awkward as she refuses to even hold his hand. Withholding PDA is the nail in her coffin as Ben makes it clear he’s super ready for an adult relationship by preparing to cut and run at the first sign of trouble.
Jubilee: “I’m not pulling back.” –After literally dodging him for an entire day.
Ben, the king of passive aggressive and also a giant weenie: “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. It’s just that do I not NOT not want to be with you, like it would be unfair to say that I don’t not NOT see myself with you. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t not NOT entirely confident in what we have after tonight. IDK.
Jubilee: “K. So we’re good?”
I don’t blame Jubilee for being confused, I have no clue what he’s trying to say either, but apparently it’s manspeak for ‘bye bye’ because Ben ultimately chokes out that he thinks it’s best Jubilee goes home tonight. If we’re being honest it was probably over for Jubes the minute Ben saw her weave splayed out on the bedside table like a loyal pet otter.
Jubilee completely loses her shit and starts sobbing after Ben leaves her, saying she feels like the “most unlovable person in the world right now” –No no, Jubilee, that’s BEN’s special flaw, remember? Get your own flaw.
Ben goes back to the women who are bugging out that he’s been gone for more than twenty minutes (seriously though, he was with Lauren B. for like four hours) and tells them what happened. Ben chill the f*ck out you’re not eulogizing Jubilee, she just went home. “Jubilee was someone who intrigued me from the moment I met her. I will always remember her and her weave/pet otter. I will also require extra security moving forward because she was pissed and she knows how to shoot a gun.”
JoJo shows how much respect she has for Ben that she legit interrupts him mid-thought to steal him away and make out with him. It’s like Chazz Reinhold a.k.a. Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers said, funerals are aphrodisiacs, they just are.
Somehow Olivia wrangles herself the group date rose for the night, I’m not even sure how that happened although Ben says she “struggled for awhile” i.e. embarrassed the shit out of herself last week in Vegas, but she seems to have redeemed herself, at least in Ben’s eyes. The other women are aghast, but Olivia is soo pleased with herself and celebrates by stuffing a fruit skewer in her face because I guess they ran out of crickets like ten minutes ago.
DATE WITH LAUREN H.
OMG, it’s only been like a second on this date and already I’m EXHAUSTED–Lauren H. literally has two speeds, full speed or warp speed and both are like experiencing whiplash from an overgrown cheerleader with an insanely strong Michigan accent. I feel like Ben chose to get all the most annoying voices out of the way in one week so he asked for one on ones with Amanda and Lauren H.
Also a nod to Lauren H.’s sad misguided impression of an “authentic” Mexican outfit, she’s wearing a flowy white top with an embroidered square neckline #sobasic.
Ben: “Mexico City is known for its fashion” –Said no one who’s stepped foot anywhere in Europe, ever.
Yes, it’s clear Fashion Week is such a big deal in Mexico City that they’re willing to put a rando woman whose form of alternative dress is a feathered chicken suit into their premier show.
Lauren H: “It’s every girl’s dream to walk in a second rate fashion show that’s basically a cut above me posing in front of my bedroom mirror.” I think some sadist on the production team created this date just to make Lauren H. say ‘maaaaaaadel’ twenty five thousand times.
She seriously is soo excited to be in this elite fashion show, Ben is obviously playing it ten times cooler and also looks ten times more comfortable/at home embracing his new life as a male model. Ben, so hot right now, Ben. Jesus he is smoking, even in that shirt of many colors that doesn’t not look like something straight out of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Dreamcoat, more like dreamboat amiright.
After Lauren H. miraculously manages to stay upright and not spontaneously combust from enthusiasm during the show, she and Ben head off for part two of the date where Ben is ready to hear some ‘real talk’, i.e. more than two consecutive sentences from her where she isn’t breaking into hyper-hysterical, vaguely manic laughter. Luckily she’s breaking out the big guns for this one: she was in a supes long relationship and then one day her boyfriend just inexplicably broke up with her. I feel like Lauren H. and JoJo got together and plotted what sort of sobby backstory would make them seem vulnerable and open but without being an actual emotional info dump a la Amanda, and then both picked the exact same story since they’re idiots. But of course Ben is so moved by how ‘open’ Lauren H. is being and gives her the date rose.
The date ends with a casual harp player who just happens to be twanging away on the street, of course sending Lauren H. into RAPTURES. I can’t with this one, I honestly feel like she would get equally excited from like winning the lottery or unwrapping a new bar of soap.
COCKTAIL PARTY/ ROSE CEREMONY
Tonight is all about the women upping their relationship stakes with Ben to some next-level shit, since he put the fear of god in them by axing Jubilee.
JoJo takes Ben aside and is either flirting or having a business discussion, it’s difficult to tell—“I just want to be kept in the loop. Please CC me on all date cards going forward and let me know if we’re a go for next week.” Ben seems way too confident in promising her she won’t be blindsided when he’s over her, he’s like practically whipping out his day calendar and showing her where he has JOJO OUTTIE circled with a red X.
Lauren B. ratchets up the intensity too, telling Ben: “I can see, like, a LIFE with you, which is terrifying.” Lauren B. you don’t seem terrified at all you seem super duper stoked about it.
Speaking of heavy, things go all drama central when Olivia puts her deformed toes in her mouth and makes a comment about Amanda’s life sounding like an episode of Teen Mom. Cringe. To be fair, I kind of feel like in this scenario Olivia is the out-of-touch awkward great aunt trying to relate to the young’uns with passé pop culture references—I’m not sure why, since she’s all of 23, but something about this comment just seemed genuinely thoughtless and misguided to me as opposed to malicious. But it didn’t go over that way with the ladies, especially since the most articulate defense Olivia can muster is an “I’m trying” followed by a few tears. Not exactly contrite, but still.
Emily’s adrift without her other half Haley so she decides to randomly become a political correctness officer and general social equality crusader and takes up Amanda’s cause to Ben, basically snitching Olivia out for being a bully. Usually this is the kiss of death for any contestant who whines/complains about someone else, but Ben seems receptive and also super distressed that Emily is crying, he’s like “I hope to god your eye makeup is waterproof because we saw you without it after your ‘nap’ that one time and it was effing terrifying.”
Emily, on phone to Haley: “Haaaaleeeyyyy Olivia’s being soooo mean.”
Haley: “Oh, yah? G2G my Foxtail shift starts in ten.”
I’m so glad the producers trotted Haley back out for that supportive, heartfelt exchange #twinning
Emily’s snitchfest starts a whole parade of women ratting out Olivia’s bad behavior to Ben, who becomes increasingly more perplexed as the night wears on, you can just see the little cogs in his brain spinning faster and faster and faster to try and keep up with all this information, this must be what Lauren H.’s mental state is like on any given Wednesday. Ben he still can’t quite grasp what they’re trying to say even as they lead him right to it. Olivia is clearly the new Shane Oman in the projection room.
In the meantime Olivia is not helping the target on her back by A) Wearing a subtle fire-engine red dress to match her rose and B) Welding a ring to Ben’s pinky finger that he’s clearly horrified by and never going to wear again. Ben puts his super-sleuth hat on and tries to sort of get her to admit there’s something untoward going on in the house, he’s really going tough on her and asking the hard questions.
Ben: “Everything okay in the house?”
Ben: “Gr8 let’s make out.”
Something must at least partially click with Ben because he finally asks to talk to Olivia alone right before they all head to the rose ceremony. Becca the expert whips out her trusty Bachelor handbook to determine whether Ben can actually take the rose from Olivia or not: “According to bylaw I.43.V., a Bachelor may or may not take the rose from a contestant if she’s acting like an effing nutjob.”
OF COURSE we end on a cliffhanger: will Olivia go home? And on a related note, based on the previews for next week: Will Ben voluntarily jump off of a cliff to get away from these crazies?
Bonus Footage includes:
*Promotional consideration for Mexico LOL sadz
*Lauren B. ‘teaching’ Emily how to drink tequila—are we honestly supposed to believe that Emily, who’s worked the Vegas strip since she was like eleven, has never tasted tequila? She was probably weaned on that shit.